My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He kissed a someone with a penis
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
