If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
