I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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