My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
