I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
