I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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