So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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