who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
