bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
