i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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