Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Im part way to drunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
