i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
