So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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