five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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