Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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