sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
