I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
