oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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