I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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