I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
