allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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