I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
