don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
