windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
