I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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