Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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