Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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