You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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