If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
