The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
