You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
