i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize