seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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