Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
