Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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