I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
