The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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