Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
