I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i will never coherently bang her
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize