i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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