She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
