insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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