Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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