Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
