are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
