i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
