Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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