i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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