we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
