I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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