WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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