Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
