Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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