Cold hands, warm shart.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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