Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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