I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize