someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
