No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
