apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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