Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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