Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's shark week go big or go home
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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