I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
