but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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