when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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